Fear the Green

(Originally Published Sunday, February 1, 2015)

One of the biggest rivalries in college basketball revolves around the state of Michigan. Michigan and Michigan State have a long history of fiery, passionate interactions. Today’s game marked their 175th meeting. Michigan technically has the winning overall record with 97-77–90-77 after adjustments for cheating–however, most of those wins came early in their rivalry. Since 1995, MSU has gone 21-14 against the maize and blue monsters.

Both teams came into the game with a relatively similar record, though neither is currently ranked. The game started off with Michigan going on a 9-1 run after the first few baskets. It seemed as if State was somehow stuck in cement. They couldn’t hit anything. Not a 2, 3 or even a free throw! It was painful to watch. They ended the half with a field goal percentage of 29%! Luckily, the Spartans hit a streak at the end of the half to lead 29-24.

I have no idea what Izzo said to the team at the half, but they came out on FIRE. Muhammad-Ali Abdur-Rahkman and Spike Albrecht were literally the only reason that Michigan had any gains in the second half. There were more that 15 lead changes throughout the game, but it wasn’t because Michigan was doing well and overtook the Spartans. Instead, MSU would occasionally have a brain fart and allow the Wolverines to score a few. Michigan State was up by 6 with a minute or so to go and all they had to do was hold off Bitchigan…ahem Michigan…from scoring. Quite unfortunately, the Wolverines ended up tying the game 66-66 with 19 seconds left. All State had to do was hold the ball until the last second and make an easy layup. Instead, Trice–who had been quiet most of the game–decided to take a 3-point shot. Granted he’s an incredibly 3-point shooter, but that wasn’t the time to be testing his skills. If only he’d made an easy shot, then the game would’ve been over.

Overtime began and let’s just say the Spartans crushed Michigan. State goes on to roll 10-0 on the Wolverines to end the game with a 76-66 victory. Denzel Valentine scored a whopping 25 points with 7 assists and 7 boards! Costello and Forbes chimed in with 10 points each and even though Trice screwed up on the last play of the game, he put up an impressive 8 points, 9 assists and 6 rebounds. Once again, Tom Izzo shows his true power as a coach and recruiter. Thanks to the fabulous Izzone–State’s fan section–the place was electrified! I’ll leave it with a simple, go green!

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It’s Showtime and Excitement Levels are Approaching Zero

(Originally Published Saturday, January 31, 2015)
So this is supposed to be a sports blog, but I’ll be damned if the halftime show at the SuperBowl isn’t as important as the game itself. Obviously I’m way more excited about the game, but half the people watch just for the commercials and halftime show. This year Katy Perry will be the performer. She’s actually a pretty talented musician and can switch between a lot of different genres, but for the love of god can we please get someone better? I will 100% rock out to her singles Dark Horse, Roar and more, but please stop with this pop crap at the SuperBowl.

In the past, awesome people such as The Rolling Stones, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and shall I say it….Justin Timberlake. Ok so boob-gate happened during that performance–and we all know it was staged–but that dude can put on a show! Producers have to gear their show towards the most influential people and that would be people like me: Millenials. WHAT UP, BITCHES? In all seriousness, it’s pretty cool to be the group that more or less “chooses” the show by supporting the most popular artists. Last year’s performer was Bruno Mars and I wanted to die. The show sucked so badly, I thought they’d choose someone timeless and willing to put on a great show. Hell, I’d be happy with Tim McGraw, Kenny Chesney or Luke Bryan–extremely popular country artists–to change up the pace. Instead, they chose just another poppy musician.

I realize that other artists will guest star in the show, but I doubt it will be anyone good. The only thing that saved last year’s performance was The Red Hot Chili Peppers. This year it’s going to be another Pop Star like Juicy J, Snoop (although I’d be stoked if he showed up) or Nicki Minaj. It’ll basically be an upbeat clusterfuck. Like I said before, I don’t dislike Katy Perry, I just want to have a real halftime show. Please don’t fuck this show up, Katy. PLEASE.

The Life and Failures of Jay Cutler

(Originally Published Friday, January 30, 2015)

Jay Cutler: the man, the myth, the failure. I’ve already touched on this subject, but goddamn do I dislike him. Let’s rewind a few years. The Bears have struggled with quarterbacks for what seems like eons. From Orton to Griese to Grossman, we haven’t struck gold in far too long. Sure, Grossman led us to the SuperBowl, but that doesn’t mean he was good. We had an incredible defense, captained by Urlacher and a strong O Line, too! And then we dumped what we thought was a pile of crap….and made the worst decision possible. We traded for Jay Cutler. Little did we know the great suffering we’d endure.

“Give him a few years, he needs time to adjust.” “He’s just not used to our play calling yet.” “He’s still so young.” Excuse after excuse emerged for his piss poor performance. Lovie Smith couldn’t wrangle in the terrible and neither could Marc Trestman. Cutler is a sad excuse for an NFL quarterback. For god’s sake he ended the season with an overall QB rating of 54. 54! No self-respecting professional quarterback should be so awful. Do you have no pride, Jay? Brian Urlacher was the glue that held together the Bears and once he left, there was no hope. Cutler was expected to step up, but like the pussy he is, he stayed quiet and never even attempted to be a leader on the field. Urlacher actually came out and said “the only elite thing about Cutler is his money.” Boy did he hit the nail on the head. He went on to state that other great quarterbacks such as Rodgers and Brady are lacking in certain player departments, yet they still win. In other words, Cutler is a failure.

With John Fox as head coach, things are about to change very quickly. I think they need give Cutler one year to prove himself and if he’s unable to do so, his ass is gone. Seriously, we can’t have a god awful quarterback for 6 effing more years! Hellllllllll no. We should never tie up that much money into one mediocre, iffy player at best. Even if I wasn’t a Bears fan, I’d say they should do this. It’s so obvious that he has no talent and isn’t willing to improve. When he’s off the field, he sits by himself. That’s it. He doesn’t look at the playbook like Manning or interact with his teammates. No, he sits by himself and sulks about how terrible he’s been playing. We need to free up money to bring some actual talent onto the team. We need someone who can be a leader and play well. We need a quarterback, or so help us god.

SuperBowl XLIX: Who do You Hate Less?

(Originally Published Friday, January 30, 2015)
The SuperBowl is once again upon us. This year the Seattle Seahawks and the New England Patriots will vie for the enviable title of champions. Seattle, as you know, is the reigning champions, beating out Denver for last year’s win. I’m going to put a disclaimer on this post. I fucking hate both teams. If they could both lose, I would love that, but since they can’t I will be choosing the team that I hate a fraction of a hair less than the other.

The Patriots are coming into this game with a 12-4 record. Everyone was hating on them at the beginning of the season because they went 2 for 4. Great start to the season! Not. I’ve never been a fan of the Gaytriots…ahem Patriots….for a few reasons. Bill Belichick is garbage. The man has more cheating scandals that Bill Clinton…it must be something to do with the name Bill. Anyway, he’s a sleezeball and I’m pretty sure he’s worn the same sweatshirt since 1992. On top of that, Tom Brady is a douchebag. There’s really no other way to put it. I can forgive him for going to Michigan, but have some class, bud. Plus, he tried to pull some crap this past game against the Colts with “Deflate-gate”. “The balls! Don’t let anyone touch my balls! They’re my balls!” Alright, Brady, we get that you’re gay AND a cheater, but you don’t need to come out and announce it. On top of this, veteran quarterbacks like Troy Aikman have called Brady out for not noticing a 2 PSI difference–12.5% of the air in the ball. Deflated balls are easier to grip, which allows for a better spiral. Needless to say, the Patriots once again are trying to cheat their way to a win. Way to suck.

The Seahawks are one of those teams that I really just dislike. Similar to the Pats, the Seahawks have a coach with a well-known record for cheating. Pete Carroll may be a fantastic coach, I’m not denying this, but he’s a dirty man.  He knows how to pick some real winners, too. There are a few douche bag players who play for Seattle, as well. Richard Sherman is just a dick. There’s really no other way to put it. He’s a cocky, conceited a hole. He’s not the only player with this attitude either. In fact, both the players AND fans are just the worst. People literally never cared about the Seahawks until they started winning last year and then all of a sudden they were proclaiming that they’d always been fans. I had multiple people who I’ve been friends with for years tell me that they’d been born fans. How about no. If you’re a football fan and my friend, I’ve definitely had extensive talks about the game. If you’ve never mentioned being a fan, then I don’t buy your story. It’s not just my friends, though, it’s fans across the country. Congrats on finally having a good team! I’m happy for you! But for the love of god, please don’t be fake. Stand by your team through everything. Don’t jump on the bandwagon!

It’s pretty obvious that I’m not a fan of either team. If it was possible for both teams to lose, I would be 100000000% for it. But that defies both the laws of mathematics and football, so therefore go Seahawks….grudgingly….

When the Bears Call in a Fox

(Originally Published Wednesday, January 28, 2015)
Da Bears are one of the most beloved teams in football. Ok, so maybe they’re not, but I like to pretend they are because they’re my team. However, they are very well known in the league, which tends to draw some media attention. Recently, the Bears fired head coach Marc Trestman, GM Phil Emery and Offensive Coordinator Aaron Kromer. All I can say is thank god. I’d flipped on Sports Center that morning to catch up and I when saw the breaking news banner at the bottom I about exploded. I ran around the house yelling “Yes! Yes! We finally have a fucking chance to win!”

Trestman needed to go so badly, as did Emery. Emery was the jackass who signed Cutler to a 7-year contract. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT? I mean, if Cutler had actually been producing, then yeah I would’ve been so down for that. But he hasn’t been…at all. He finished the year with a QB rating of 54! Could he be any worse? Well I suppose he could be Johnny Manziel…but Cutler’s been in the league for a while now. Buck up, bro, you suck. Trestman was such a butt buddy with Cutler it was disgusting. He never learned from Lovie Smith when he entered the position: pull Cutler when he makes more than 1 mistake. I normally would keep a quarterback after a mistake or two because everyone makes them. Cutler, on the other hand, spirals into a whirlwind of despair and shittiness when he makes them. Granted, our offensive line is paltry at best, but for christ’s sake, you’re in the NFL for a reason. It’s literally your only job and you’re supposed to be the best of the best. End rant–I’ll have more on this later.
As for Kromer, I wasn’t as happy to see him go as I was Trestman and Emery, but it was high time for him to leave the organization. How many times can you call a screen pass on 3rd and long? Every time? Ok, yeah, that seems like a great plan. Let’s have our shitty QB complete a 1-yard pass and have our running back run for 15 yards. It obviously makes tons of sense. No! That’s not how you run an offense and it sure as hell isn’t how you run an offense when literally nobody can block.
John Fox resigned from his position with Denver earlier this month and quickly chose to interview with the Bears. Luckily, he arrived at the Bronco’s just after Cutler left, so he hopefully won’t be playing any more stupid Trestman-like favoritism. Actually, I’m pretty positive he won’t because he’s a coach who wants to win. What a freaking concept! Fox is going to bring a whole different vibe to the team, something that has been needed for quite some time. I’m excited to see Ryan Pace’s time with the organization, as well. He’s the youngest GM in the NFL and he’s bound to bring a fresh perspective to our team.
Needless to say, the Bears are in for a whole shake down and as a fan, I couldn’t be more ecstatic. Superbowl L, here we come!

The Most Indecisive Fans in the Land

(Originally Published Sunday, January 18, 2015)
At this point it’s pretty obvious that I have a love for both Ohio State and the state of Ohio itself. There is, however, one problem: Cleveland fans. There are 2 parts to the story. We have Browns fans and Cavs fans.

As an OSU graduate, I’ve seen my fair share of of Cleveland fans. There is one thing that’s very clear about Cleveland–the fans exude loyalty. Don’t get me wrong, being loyal to your city is one of the things that I like most about people. I will defend Chicago until I die, but there is a line that I draw. If you ever say anything about the poor ol’ Brownies, fans will puff up their chest and  fight for their team. I’m all for it! I really, truly am. I draw the line at actually know the team. Know the players. For god’s sake, KNOW THE QUARTERBACK!! If you can’t tell me that Manziel or Hoyer are the quarterbacks, you’ve lost all credibility. Seriously! You can’t call yourself a fan unless you actually know the team.
I’m a Chicago fan, but I will fully admit that I’m a fair-weather Blackhawks fan. Can I name players and stats? Absolutely! But I don’t seek out games unless someone asks me to watch one. If someone makes fun of the Hawks, sure I’ll take a stand and have a lively discussion, but I’m not going to be a dick about it. Cleveland fans can be total asses when you even jokingly rag on their teams. I met countless girls who didn’t know the difference between a field goal and a touchdown who will practically scream at you if you’re ripping on the Browns. It’s the most insane thing I’ve ever seen. Be a fan…but be an actual fan.
I’m pretty sure everyone who knows a lick about sports remembers the whole LeBron leaving the Cavs debacle. He gave 5 years of his life to the team he loved. He was a true Ohio boy! Just like any other person with a competitive bone in his or her body, LeBron wanted a championship ring. Grant, the GM, pulled a major dick move and basically said that LeBron didn’t believe in the Cavaliers organization. So with that he jetted down to Miami to go on to win 2 championship rings.
When LeBron left Cavs, fans went completely off the reservation. People burned LeBron’s jersey. His name practically became a curse word. Fans would literally watch Miami games to watch him lose. The deep hatred was beyond palpable if you even hinted at his name. Naturally, he became known as LeBitch, LeDouche, LeFuck, LeWhateverMeanNamePeopleCouldComeUpWith.
Fast forward to 2014 when he opts out of his contract with the Heat and becomes a free agent on July 1. To everyone’s shock, just 10 days later, he announced that he intended on signing back on with the Cavs. What in the what?! After his messy departure, it seemed pretty clear that he would never return to Cleveland as a player. He ended up with a sweet contract with the option to become a free agent after the 2014/2015 season.
Where did that leave Cavs fans? Rejoicing and practically kissing the feet of their Basketball God. Just 4 years previously, burned jerseys littered the streets and now they were welcoming LeBitch with open arms? No way. No effing way. I understand passion and love for your team, but have a smidgen of self-respect. Jesus God. You can’t go from hating someone’s innards down to the last nucleotide of his DNA to thrusting him into the position of a full on godsend.
I get it. You haven’t won a championship since 1964. You’re terrible at sports and you know it. The whole country knows it, but have some pride in your individual selves! Don’t be that douchebag that stands up for something you don’t know an iota about! That’s like going to a symposium on the philosophical discussion of Kepler’s Law of Planetary Motion, taking over the keynote speaker’s position and stating that the theory is incorrect because all planets revolves around the earth. You just look like a dumbass and lose all credibility. Don’t be THAT guy. Don’t be that Cleveland fan.

Cardale Jones: a Cinderella Story

(Originally Published Friday, January 16, 2015)
Post College Football Championship, all eyes have been on the best-dressed boy at the ball: Cardale Jones. The Cleveland QB was set to be the 2nd string QB for Ohio State this year. After JT Barrett was signed, Jones was pushed to the 3rd string spot. He knew, however, that his day would come.

Pre-season practice left the Heisman Candidate, Miller, with a shoulder injury….on his 666th throw of the year. I’m not into superstitions, but that is quite the coincidence! Whether or not that is a fact, it’s an interesting story, nonetheless. Ohio State mourned the loss of Miller, but quickly looked to Barrett to step into his shoes. Barrett, a true freshman from Texas, came out like a rocket. He stunned OSU fans with his poise and intelligence in tough situations. Unfortunately, during the most anticipated game of the year–the *ichigan game–he suffered from a broken ankle. That brings us to the beginning of our story.

Cardale Jones was thrust into the spotlight with practically no warning. He stood tall and OSU fans realized that they may have an Ace up the sleeve. Jones was only in for a few plays at the end of the game, but he went 2/3 in completions. The B1G championship game against Wisconsin was going to be the true determinant of whether or not Ohio State should be in the playoff. The whole world was saying that “Ohio State will never be as strong as they were with Miller or Barrett. They might as well count themselves out of the playoff.” Boy did they eat their words. OSU went 59-0 against Wisconsin. Melvin Gordon couldn’t get past OSU’s defense….a major shock to Wisconsin fans. Cardale Jones showed the world why he’d earned the nickname “12-Gauge”. His sheer size and incredible arm tore apart Wisconsin, bit by bit. What Jones was unable to tear apart himself, Elliot, Smith, Samuel and Bosa were able to run and take opportunities to score against the Badgers. Everyone was shocked at his performance. Shortly thereafter, the selection committee determined that Ohio State was indeed playoff-ready as the 4th seed.

Up against the #1 seed, Alabama, OSU was ragged on because “TCU and Baylor could’ve really made it.” Baylor took a crap on themselves by letting off the gas pedal on Michigan State and TCU won against Ole Miss, but it was apparent that neither were of the caliber necessary to enter the playoff. To keep it short, Alabama came out strong, but quickly struggled against all aspects of Ohio State’s game. The score was not actually a reflection of how the game went down, but a Buckeye win pushed them into the inaugural championship.

As discussed in a previous post, the CFP game wasn’t a blow-out, per se, but it was apparent that Ohio State was the clear victor. This left everyone with one simple question: Would Jones enter the draft? He had a mere two days to make the decision and everyone was on pins and needles. On one hand, he’d been incredible in literally the 3 biggest games in college football. On the other hand, he had only played in 3 full college football games. Decision time was fast approaching.

Yesterday at 4PM EST, Cardale Jones announced that he would be staying with The Ohio State University and would not be entering the draft this year. This honestly was the best decision he could’ve made. He’s played 3 games and has a B1G Championship, Cotton Bowl Win and National Championship under his belt…the dude literally broke football. But this intelligent decision will impact his level of play next year and he can only improve from here. He flat out stated that he will enter the NFL draft, but wants to be a college graduate first. Since the birth of his daughter, Chloe, in early November 2014, Cardale has come around as not only an excellent athlete, but an impeccable father and has made the decision to focus on both studies and football.

While I am extremely excited about this decision, I’m very happy for Jones as a human being. I think this truly is the best thing he could’ve chosen for both himself and his daughter. Not bad for a boy from Cleveland! In Cardale we trust.