Ducks, Fucks, But no Andrew Lucks

(Originally Published Wednesday, December 31, 2014)
The 2015 Rose bowl will be producing one half of the championship teams. Oregon and Florida State are battling it out to see who will become victorious. Let’s start with FSU–Lameis Winston, I’m talking about you. I have a few requirements that I deem necessary to be a proper human being. 1) Don’t be an Asshole. It’s literally that simple, yet so frequently forgotten. 2) Control yourself. Everyone gets overly emotional or passionate, but know when you cross the line into Asshole territory. Refer to rule number 1. These are two rules for life that should be pretty easy to follow.

I promise this relates to football. Florida State has had issues with Winston pretty much since the first day he stepped onto campus. Why? Because he hasn’t learned those two key rules for life. Everything from rape charges–sorry, alleged rape charges–to screaming “Fuck her right in the pussy”. Ok so the latter one was already a meme circling the internet, but was it necessary to get on a table and scream it to the whole union? I’d say that’s a pretty big violation of rule 2. Owing to these incidents, along with a slew of other unmentioned ones, the school gave him a “handler”. You’re 20-years-old, you jackass. You should be able to “handle” your own shit at this point. If this were any other random kid at the school, he wouldn’t have been given a goddamn guard to watch his moves. No, he would’ve been suspended at the very minimum. His behavior has been enabled for far too long and for that I blame the parents, as well as the athletics department, but I mostly blame him. Rules 1 and 2 have been broken. Seriously, just don’t be an asshole. Literally for this reason alone, I want Oregon to absolutely annihilate them.

Oregon is one of those teams that I’ll occasionally root for. I really have no particular ties to them, other than OSU beat them in the 2010 Rose Bowl. They played with class and I have yet to find anything glaringly obvious that I dislike. Ok, so they did beat the Spartans earlier this year, but that was more MSU falling apart than Oregon really winning. I gotta hand it to you, Ducks, I’m impressed that you haven’t done anything to piss off the media lately. Yeah, there were recruiting scandals at your school last year, but let’s be honest. Every single team in the NCAA has had some type of recruiting violation in their history. I’ll even admit that both the Bucks and the Spartans have had it at their respective schools. They may not have been thrust into the limelight, but it happens there, too. For all intents and purposes, I think that Oregon has done a pretty good job of following the two rules of life. Beat those damn Seminoles into the ground!

Sidebar–whenever I see Oregon play I think of the childhood game, Oregon Trail. It was nearly impossible to win because everyone either starved, ate bad plants or died of Dysentery. Oregon, please for the love of football, do not die of dysentery!


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